Motivation

Writing saved my sanity (what was left of it) when I lost my job at the end of 2008.

There were other benefits to writing web content and one of them was my friendship with Dena Bolton. We just clicked and although she lived in Tennessee and I live in New Jersey, we still managed to email several times daily and talk on the phone.

We kept each other motivated and pushed each other to reach higher with our writing. Setting goals, friendly competition and discovering new opportunities were something we got excited about.

We did more than talk writing and helped each other through the challenges of our lives.

When Dena first started to feel "off" she fought it. She continued to write and continued to be one of those rare people who were always there to help with advice and suggestions.

We continued to have daily challenges to increase our views, content and keep each other motivated although she was sometimes in too much discomfort to work.

Then Dena was gone.

She had had cancer and within 2 weeks of finding out, she was gone.

I was stunned.

When reality set in, it took me time to deal with the grief. We were friends. We talked about our dreams, our goals. Her life was full but there was so much more she wanted to do. It just wasn't fair and I couldn't get over that.

Knowing Dena I knew that she would not want me feeling this way. I pushed the grief deep inside and tried to go on.

It just wasn't the same.

Although I have made other writing friends, the connection that Dena and I had was unique. Honestly I didn't want another friend like Dena. It just hurt too much to say goodbye.

Now I felt all alone. I have a great, loving relationship with my husband but as many writers can identify with- he does not have a CLUE what writing web content is about.

Being unemployed for so long and honestly, not getting out of the house too often, I am isolated.

I have a close-knit family but the void left from Dena's death cannot be filled.

It has taken me several months to realize what has been missing.

I have questioned if I should even write anymore. It just has been so hard at times. I couldn't understand why.

Suddenly today I realized what has been missing.

Dena was my motivator as I was hers. She kept me going when I wanted to give up. She made me believe in myself when I doubted my abilities. It was fun to have someone to compete against in doing something I really enjoyed.

That is gone now.

I know that Dena watches. My garden was never as healthy as it was this year. Dena was a master gardener and I know she looked out for me this year.

Life is different now without Dena. I feel almost silly talking about what a void her death has made in my life. Certainly for Rick (her husband) and her children the void must be much larger. Somehow they are managing to go on.

My isolation is greater than I realized. At times my anxiety has bordered on turning into agoraphobia and it takes all my willpower to fight it.

Maybe what I really need is to get out of this house but I honestly have nowhere to go. My finances are tight and it just feels easier to sit here in front of my laptop.

Right about now I miss my friend who surely would give me grief about what I have allowed myself to turn into.

I am not going to quit writing. I may take breaks from it but I keep on coming back.

I know Dena would want me to work towards my goals. It is time for me to find that motivation again and work towards it.

I am a fighter too. I will find the motivation again.